A Letter To My Sister

Dear sister:

I know you don't understand, how can you? When you always were dad's favourite, and I was just his punching bag, not literally but he always took out his feelings on me by yelling and making me feel small. Life has given you everything and people tell me you are jealous of me, but why? Theres nothing to be jealous of here, Im just a shell, that get sad at times and feels like they can't do anything and like my achievements are nothing, I've been living on your shadow my whole life, maybe thats why I want to leave and make a name for myself. Don't get me wrong, there were moments when you helped me, but I'll be honest, you dismissed my feelings every time I was feeling bad, you don't understand my pain, and my darkness that I cannot hide anymore, why do you have to compare me to you? When everybody else already does, Im the younger sister, the late bloomer and the one that is so deeply messed up that our family pities her, I don't need more comparisons, I don't need more people hating me and telling me I'm not enough, and the things you say to me, don't worry I've said them a thousand times, I swear they are almost tattoed on my skin, reminding me I was never daddy's princes or the prettiest, or the one with lots of friends and a undying talent, I don't want to be you, I wish I could do things the way you do, and ignore my feelings about people and even shut my mouth when its needed, but I can't lie about myself, I can't go through rejection again, so if people knows what they're going into they can run away, I don't speak about my depression for pity nor attention I speak about it because I don't want to be baggage, I don't want people to get tired of me or hate me, but in the end everyone does just that and again I end up alone. Yesterday I realised that your friends are not mine, and you think that locking myself inside my room was just another tantrum, I tried to just be quiet, like many times before that in which I cried myself to sleep, its the way I know to cope with things, its the way I can try to mend myself and stick my pieces, when they chose you above me I realised, maybe they hang with me because of you, in the end they both liked you, they adore you even if you are a drama queen and a really annoying ass, but me? Im no one, if I wasn't here maybe they wouldn't notice, I bet no one would. There are things in my past I can't let go, I can't forget about the disappointments, the abandonment and the rejection I've been through, what gets me the most its Rafa, because he was the only person I thought that cared for me, but in the end he left too, so tell me, what is there to be jealous about? Why do you make my life so miserable? Why do you have to criticise everything I do? There is almost nothing in my life that can make me happy and you try to ruin that, I can't keep with this anymore, every time i cry I don't ask for revenge on you and dad, I don't ask to die as much anymore, I ask to go away and never come back. Why did you break me, when I couldn't even handle myself? Why do you have to remind me that not even dad cared about me? Whats the fun on watching me suffer? Because it isn't funny to me, it hurts, it hurts so much I want to die, to rip my heart and my soul, and sometimes I wish I could lock myself inside my brain and not feel anything, Im only 18 years old, so why? This wasn't meant to be a letter in which I ask for an apology, because that won't change the pain, I want you to understand, I want people to understand, I can't be happy, and in this house with you and dad, I can't be happy, you are a reminder of what I've been through and there are days when I look at the sky and yell in my mind that I'm so glad to be alive, but then I get home, I sit in my room watching at the moon waiting for the long gone feelings of self hate, sorrow, pain and my depression to consume me, and now that they are gone all that is left is the loneliness I've always felt, I don't want to be alone, but as long as I am with you I won't stop being lonely. I don't even remember how was my life before I had depression, I don't even remember what it felt to be really happy and calm. You don't understand and with your necessity of always compare ourselves you never will, you won't understand how much my chest hurts that all I could do was pray to God to kill me, you won't understand how miserable I was that I couldn't wish this on anyone else, and thats why I want to be a lawyer, and thats why I want to help people, because I don't want them feeling this way, I can't handle the world knowing there are more people feeling like me and worse, so please understand, my self harm wasn't for attention, my hospital visit wasn't a game, and my feelings are valid, are as valid as yours, so please stop making me feel small, I don't need more pain because I can't handle my own, I can't handle the anxiety I get when I think about going into a crowded place alone, I can't think about people laughing at me, I can't handle the loneliness and sadness that reek my soul in ways you can't imagine, years ago you said that it wasn't fair that mom and dad treated me right but they only treated me the same way they treated you, and that was because I was in my point of breaking and I beg to God that you never get to that point, I pray to God that none of your future family gets to know this pain that will follow me my whole life, because I was abused, not in the sexual way but in the psychological and emotional way, Im not a victim, Im not a martyr, Im a surviver and Im trying to keep surviving, so don't make it harder because you are living, you aren't feeling this way and you won't have this shadow Ill have my own life. You don't understand the fear I already have for my future children, the fear of them feeling so down they don't even want to wake up the next day, Im so scared Im thinking twice about having children, and I know Im young but I want them, and Ill cherish them, and I'll love them the way I didn't feel loved all those years, they will have the life I didn't, and this isn't about having it all, this isn't about money, or looks, or the best electronics, this is about love, cherish, approval and support that you got but I didn't, and ignoring the fact that you closed your eyes while all this happened to me wont change things, so just stop being mean, stop criticising all those girls that don't dress the way you like or are different because that could've been me, or you and they could be feeling like me or worse, you'll never know what really happens behind a happy face, people sometimes lie so much that it becomes another part of their lives and loose themselves. So just stop. Please, stop being a bully, because you know how much words hurt.

With love, F.

#sister #Depression #Sadness #bullying #dad #family #Loneliness #letter #Writing